


Autumn.

by shoyoinsecure



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Cutting, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, a good chunk of this is nishihina, the self harm gets real graphic sorry, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoyoinsecure/pseuds/shoyoinsecure
Summary: When the orange and yellow leaves present themselves onto the trees, that means it’s time for Autumn. Most people thought that Autumn was a comforting month; they observed it’s comforting beauty from their porches, hot chocolate in hand and a scarf wrapped around their neck. Except Hinata Shouyou. For Shouyou, it was just another reminder of his life. Once the leaves on the tree are admired for its beauty, the tree is abandoned; people get bored of it, and it’s leave slowly fall off for people to step on them without a thought.I apologise if there’s any grammer/spelling mistakes lol i didn’t re-read this.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Autumn.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! welcome to the 3rd fanfic that i’ve ever posted online in my many years of living! this was honestly a vent fic that went to far so- o o p s
> 
> trigger warning // please read tags. the self-harm gets graphic.

When the orange and yellow leaves present themselves onto the trees, that means it’s time for Autumn. Most people thought that Autumn was a comforting month; they observed it’s comforting beauty from their porches, hot chocolate in hand and a scarf wrapped around their neck. Except Hinata Shouyou. For Shouyou, it was just another reminder of his life. Once the leaves on the tree are admired for its beauty, the tree is abandoned; people get bored of it, and it’s leave slowly fall off for people to step on them without a thought.

It was a kick in the gut for the innocent redhead everytime he made his way to school, as he would pass his childhood home while walking. But no matter how hard the kick was, he always finds himself sneaking into the backyard and sitting at the tree and going back through the memories he had with his actual family. 

Today, Shouyou reaches the old and dusty looking abandoned house once more, and climbs the fence to the back. He’s done this so many times, there’s a scratch in the metal fence where his foot scraps everytime. Careful to not touch the old toys in the yard that haven’t been moved since “the accident”, He sits at the tree, cross legged like he always does, and looks up at the rotting oak tree that towers above him. The green leaves are already transitioning to yellow and orange, and Shouyou cringes. If he keeps this up at this time of year, he’ll end up going to school with a much more sour mood than he intends to, and he doesn’t wanna make a bad impression on his teammates who he’s only known for a couple of weeks.

He thinks back to the last time this happened, when he was still in Junior High. For a whole month, he would either burst into tears or snap at anything his friend’s said. 

He didn’t have the heart to tell them why he was acting like that until halfway through his third year, but sometimes he wished he didn’t have the heart the whole way through. He was immediately met with pity from his friends, and he hated pity. Just to his luck, apparently a gossip spreading girl from his class had heard him while she was coming back from the bathroom, and told her friends. One thing led to another and nearly the entire school had known about his unfortunate life.

Multiple days after that, Shouyou went back home crying as loudly as he needed to, even if his “Mother” told him to shut up repeatedly. He couldn’t handle the embarrassment and the pitying looks from his classmates who pretended to care. 

That was the time Shouyou has discovered how to remove razors from pencil sharpeners, and how good it felt to use them on his skin. Every day after school; after the pitying looks and words, he’d carefully pull out the razor hidden inside of his clothes drawer, and make his way to the bathroom, making sure not to awake his sleeping “Mother” and his younger sister, Natsu. Then, he’d grab his thighs and make swift sharp cuts along the skin, watching the blood ooze out of this skin and bead over the cut he just made. They were nothing serious; they were only able to leave small discoloured scars along his thighs, but you couldn’t see them unless you were purposely trying to look for them. He wished he could go deeper and make the scars much more bigger and noticeable—just because he deserved it—but he couldn’t risk his friend’s and school finding out. So for now, if he needed a good distraction from the disaster in his life, this was going to have to do. 

Everytime he thought about it, he laughed. It was ironic. Who would’ve thought that a young boy who was as bright as the sun and could light up the room with a laugh alone, would do such a filthy act such as dragging a razor across his skin to feel some sense of control in his life. Then, he would laugh some more as he looked down at the both new and old scars. It’s like they were shouting and him every time they saw him; phrases like “you worthless piece of shit!”, “you should just die already”, and “you deserve this all” played into his mind everytime his gaze met them. But all he could do was laugh, because it was true. It was all true, and he couldn’t get mad or upset at that.

Shouyou absentmindedly touched his face to remove a stray hair that tickled his nose, and noticed that tears were streaming down his face like a river. He looked up from his surroundings and realised that he, in fact, was not reliving the same Junior High experiences again, and was sitting under the tree at his old childhood home. He looked at his phone and it tuned out that he’d been sitting here for nearly half an hour, a lot longer than he planned to be, and he’d be late if he didn’t start walking that instant. Scrambling onto his feet, Shouyou quickly made his way over the fence and hurried off the property, trying to make it looked like he not just snuck into it’s backyard to fantasise about Junior High.

-

“Hinata! Dumbass! Stop missing the damn ball!”

Shouyou snaps out of his gaze that was previously fixed on the net as he fell back down, and look at Tobio. “Sorry...” he mumbles. He likes to think he doesn’t understand why he’s off today, but in reality, he knows exactly why. He can’t stop thinking about Junior High. It hasn’t effected him this bad since a couple months ago; he thought he was finally healing from the memories but today was just a slap in the face.

“Well it’s whatever now” He mumbles, motioning to everyone already packing up the gym equipment. He goes over to Sugawara and helps him pack up the volleyball net, trying not to zone out and overthink again, but his mind won a mental battle and he was soon packing up the volleyball net with a blank face. He specifically decided to think about the girl who spread the word around, practically begging to burst out into tears.

‘Why did she even tell her friend’s in the first place? Was it because she thought it was funny? Like i was telling a joke? I shouldn’t blame her though, it’s all my fault for telling Kouji and Izumi in such a public place- no- it’s my fault for telling Kouji and Izumi in general. Maybe if i had just kept my mouth shut, nothing would’ve hap-‘

Shouyou’s thoughts were interrupted by a volleyball hitting him dead centre in the nose. He stumbles back a bit, trying not to let the ‘ball-hit-your-nose’ tears out, and then looks for the source of where it came from. Silence fills the room as everyone turns to look at Shouyou in concern and worry, because, to be fair, getting hit with a volleyball isn’t the most pleasant thing, especially with a volleyball.

“Sorry Hinata!” Nishinoya’s voice rang out in the empty gym as he ran over to Shouyou. “Receiving can be a bit hard when you’ve got the big man Asahi spiking to ya!” He continues, poking his tongue out and giving Asahi a thumbs up. To everyone else, it looked like a volleyball accident that could be resolved with a quick dust off of the shoulders, but to Shouyou, it wasn’t.

In any other moment, he would’ve gotten back up and forgave Nishinoya, but he wasn’t really having a good day. In fact, it really sucked. Not just because of the whole overthinking and stressing about...past occurrences...but because there was little things that were also bugging him. Like how his when he tried to open his locker the combination didn’t work the first try, or that he tripped over his own shoelaces when walking to practise. Everything had added up together, and this was the final push that he needed to send him right over the edge. He didn’t blame Nishinoya for this, he blamed his shitty mind.

“Ugh! If you knew it was gonna happen, do you think you could’ve waited till after we cleaned up to practice some more?!” He shouts while covering his nose, which was now bleeding because of the impact of the ball. A displeased expression creeps into his face in annoyance and frustration. However, it only lasted a few seconds before Shouyou realised he had just shouted at his teammate who made a small mistake. He felt eyes burn into him as the gym fell silent. “N-Nishinoya!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to yell at you!” He apologises, and turns his head away from Nishinoya in shame. He didn’t deserve to be yelled at by Shouyou for a stupid little small mistake. Shouyou expected to be scolded for his actions, as to anyone else, this just looked like him getting mad at his upperclassmen for no reason.

But what he didn’t expect, is for Nishinoya to start giggling. It was only a little giggle, but you could tell that Nishinoya was not at all effected by the redhead’s words. “Nah nah, Shou, it’s fine.” He reassures with a slight smile on his face. Nishinoya lends a hand to Shouyou who was laying on the floor, pulls him up and then offers Shouyou a box of tissues for his bleeding nose. After that, they left to go to their respected classes, except for Shouyou. No, Shouyou didn’t go to his class right away, instead, he made a stop to the bathroom.

In Shouyou’s time at Junior High, he had picked a certain stall in the men’s bathroom and used up the usual free period to cut himself. He really only did it if his was feeling guilty and/or like shit, which is just what he was feeling now. However, he had yet to do this is Karasuno. Randomly picking a stall, Shouyou locks the door and sits down on the seat and sighs. He didn’t need to do this for almost 2 weeks, and here he was repeating the past because he couldn’t brush off the guilty feeling from when he accidentally yelled at his upperclassman. He yanks the fresh and sharp razor from his pocket, and hesitates. No, just do it, don’t even think about, you deserve it. He makes a few lines on his leg in a rhythmic fashion, the cuts slowly turning red and filling up with blood. The beads of blood that hovered over his cuts dripped down quickly, and he made a mental note to clean it up before he left.

Shouyou couldn’t help but zone out while doing this; it was practically muscle memory at this point that he didn’t even need to look down.

...  
...  
...

Shouyou suddenly jerks his leg up in pain and hisses, dropping the blood covered razor onto the bathroom floor; the wound he had just made had been a lot more deeper than he intended it to be. It was like a gaping whole, sorta, and was a disgusting contrast to the little baby scratches that were next to it. It was the most (physical) pain that Shouyou had ever experienced, and he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t just ask someone “Hey, what do i do when i cut myself bigger than i intended to?”.

So he went to google.

Probably not the most efficient thing he could have done, but first period was nearly coming to an end, and obviously he couldn’t walk around with a nasty bloody cut that would probably get infected if he didn’t do something about it.

He read that a wound like that should be stitched up and bandaged immediately, so he looked through his bag to see if he could find some string. It seemed unlikely that string would be in a student’s bag, but he might’ve left some in there from sewing class? His weird way of thinking turned out to be right; he had some orange string so he could make Natsu a bracelet. ‘Sorry Natsu’ He thought. 

-

It had turned out messy, but at the end of the day, the wound was closed and bandaged, and no longer hurt as much as it did earlier. 

Shouyou debated whether he should go to after school practise or not. He obviously still liked volleyball, but he still felt guilty about earlier. He finally decided on not going; his cuts hurt and his body was tired, hell just make up an excuse later.

He took his bike of the bike rack and started wheeling it towards the gate, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and looked to the person behind him.

“Hinata? Why aren’t you coming to practise?”

‘Oh. It’s just Kageyama’ He thought. Shouyou stared at him with a blank face, trying to cover up the panic inside of him as he tried to find an excuse.

“Sorry Kageyama, i have to go take care of my...l-little sister. My mum is at work” He answers. “I’ll be there tomorrow, p-promise.” He tries to sound as casual as possible, but the stuttering and the suspicious pauses didn’t help.

“You sure that’s it? You haven’t been acting like your usual self” Tobio throws back, his voice having the smallest amount of worry, and Shouyou couldn’t blame him; he had, in fact, not been acting normal today. First it was missing the ball a lot, then it was the snapping at Nishinoya, then it was the fact that he never showed up to first period, and now he’s gonna miss practise because of his self-harm? Oh, but Tobio doesn’t know that last one.

“Yeah, i swear, Bakageyama!” Shouyou pokes his tongue out at him and he swears he can see the taller of the two blow steam out of his ears. He giggles, waves a goodbye to Tobio, and pedals away on his bike.

Once he was about 2 streets away, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. ‘Thank god Kageyama didn’t find out’ He thought, mentally praising himself for actually remembering that he could just say he had to take care of his little sister and no one would question it. But that happy feeling was soon replaced with guilt; a lot of it. He felt bad for lying to Tobio; Who was going to spike his tosses now? He’d have to wait till tomorrow to apologise, as he doesn’t have the setter’s number.

He arrives home with his “Mother” gone and little sister upstairs in her room. He mentally thanks god that he’ll be able to have one peaceful night with his sister. Before going up to Natsu’s room, he obviously has to go to his own room and get changed. On the way there though, he looks at the old pictures of his real mum on the wall, ones that he would usually choose to skip over and not think about.

The one he chooses to look at is a beautiful one, one that he’s always found beautiful. It’s one of himself, Natsu, his real dad and real mum. They’re all smiling happily just like a normal loving family would do in a family photo. He snaps his head away from the photo and goes to his room, not wanting to think about the picture any longer.

-

Later that night, Shouyou cant sleep. He doesn’t know why, but he just keeps on tossing and turning. Usually he’d be asleep in nearly an instant, but tonight was different. He felt more sour and more annoyed, and it was really getting to him at this point. He kept on thinking about things in a distasteful manner and makes comments in his head that he usually wouldn’t do. He sighs a deep sigh, desperately needing air, and reads the time on the clock. It read ‘3:36am’. He flops back onto his pillow. ‘It’s whatever, i’ll be fine tomorrow’ He thinks, and closes his eyes, hoping to get a good sleep with the remaining hours that are left in the night.

**Author's Note:**

> !! i am not updating this !! it will be left up to your imagination. if you, however, want to continue this and write your own next chapter or something, please let me know !! i’d be so happy to read it （╹◡╹）


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